whoisthis

I started courses for my grad program this week. It feels fucking good to be a student again. It really took me taking a year off to realize how much I missed going to class (not just to teach) and to be on that learningstudyingreading vibe. Already there is a pile of readings waiting for me. It all needs to be done, but I feel like I have to pause and reflect on this moment in the beginning of my journey.

I’m excited, hopeful, I feel ready to get to work! In saying that, I want to make sure that I keep my purposeful intentions constantly on check and keep the productivity at a steady/healthy pace. 

A few things that I’ve committed to myself in entering the master’s program:

-Be organized. Record everything, keep to-do lists and follow-through 

-Balance work and home life. In the past, I found myself putting too much energy into work and neglected time with family and friends. I want to put in the extra effort to be engaging and present within all the spaces I consider important.

-Pack food! I will attempt to bring healthy and delicious “baon” everyday I am on campus. I will allow myself to buy a caffeinated beverage or other treats once a week.

-Werk! In terms of getting my shit done and still lookin’ cute. It just struck me while I was going to my first class that, damn…I am living out my dream. Not many know what they want to pursue or even have the opportunity. I feel so blessed to have the chance to do this. ”Work like your life depends on it.”  Not just work, but bringing out your BEST work. “Strive to do your best in all you do so no one can say shit to you.” So WERK!

-Be humble. During grad orientations, the second year cohort came by to do a round table discussion of their experience in the program. When giving out advice someone said, “You may have been the most knowledgeable student in your undergrad classes that knew all the answers. Don’t come into seminars thinking that—there will be others smarter than you, especially at this level. Come in to the space with the attitude that you just want to learn and improve your research/knowledge/skills.” 

-Accept that there will be difficult points and struggle, but there’s also joy and hope in the work being done.

-FUCKIN’ read, read, READ.

-Reflect. As much as it’s important to be submerged in work, I want to also make an effort to record my process and experience— the up’s and down’s—especially on here.

The kids are taking the CST’s (California Standardized Testing) this week. The amount of work and preparation that goes into the tests is insane. Every Thursday since February, my 4th and 5th grade kids have been told to basically do nothing in my homework class but read. It’s to build their stamina up for the testing. A few students take to it no problem, but a few also struggle with it. I don’t blame them. You’re at your after school program, you’ve been sitting in class all day— the last thing you want to do is sit still to read. 

And teachers are STILL expected to prepare work for their classes (albeit, very light and less difficult work) to do for after the testing. 

Everyone seems to just be trudging along this week due to all the extra mental and physical energy being put into the the testing. On top of that it’s been raining; students don’t even have the chance to go outside and release all the pent-up stress. 

I ask some kids about how the testing’s going. Some are blase about the whole thing. A few have expressed their worries and anxieties about taking the tests. Not everyone is strong at taking tests, especially a booklet-worth of bubbling in letters. I empathize—especially having just recently taken the CSET and CBEST, both being heavy on multiple choice. I cannot count how many times I looked at a problem and thought, “How do they expect me to study for all THIS!” But it’s a hard issue to negotiate. How can I let students know that they just need to try their best but at the same time not worry too much as it’s ultimately a fucked up way of trying to discern their and their school’s performance. 

Hoping that the sun will come out tomorrow. These kids deserve to play.

Whenever I have to see the GI, I will take the day off from work. It’s a luxury that I’m fortunate to be able to take. Going to the doctor can take all day, especially when you’re at the mercy of free healthy care (thank you, San Francisco). I’ve been in circumstances where I’ve waited two hours to be only seen for less than fifteen minutes. Not to mention having to wait for prescription at General, it can be whole day’s worth of waiting. But I’m glad for the free health care, glad that all the procedures and trips to the ER have been taken care for. Glad that I don’t have to pay for medication that might otherwise be too expensive for my budget. I really do feel fortunate to live in such a progressive city. Now if only such a concept was a available to EVERYONE in this country, then we’d be a much healthier and happier group of people.

Right after the GI appointment, I’ve also got a session with the therapist. Not sure yet what route our discussion will go into today. Hoping to gain new understandings and perspective.

For people with IBD, the assurance of being able to get to the nearest restroom (you know, just in case) is so necessary. But what if you’re in charge of thirty elementary school students that can’t just be left unattended at any given time? It’s the issue I’ve got to deal with everyday I’m at work.

Everyday, I think about logistics that a person without IBD wouldn’t have to think about if they’re working at a school. I’m lucky enough to have a partner in the classroom (I do homework help at an afterschool program), so often I can just excuse myself when necessary. But then there are times when said partner will need to leave the room to do something, and my mind will go into panic mode. That’s the anxiety I’ve developed because of the UC. Even when I’m feeling perfectly fine (not feeling sick, not in a flare), when a situation arises that I am unable to have access to a restroom, I’ll begin to get panicky.

And so during each work day, instances will arise that will create these feelings of panic and anxiety. Feelings that have are from having ulcerative colitis.

And herein lies the complication— I just thoroughly enjoy being in the school setting and I do love teaching. I’ve always considered a career as a teacher. But having a chronic illness really affects my relationship to the field and how I locate myself within the teaching space. I wonder how different my whole way of teaching would be if I wasn’t diagnosed with UC. I work four hours a day at the program now. And sometimes the stress that comes with it is already so overwhelming. How will I be able to cope doing it full-time?

Even with having the feeling of not being ready enough, I began preparing to apply to teaching credential programs, even taking the CSET and the CBEST. But I kept stalling on actually applying to a specific school. I didn’t feel confident that I’d be able to commit my best efforts to a credential program and teaching in an elementary school afterwards.

After reflecting on my goals, I realized— being an elementary school teacher wasn’t the only option. I can get an MA and even a phd and teach at the college level. I can still be a nerd about education and creating curriculum, but it’ll just be in a different space and through different application.

Coping with UC has never gotten easier. Negotiating my aspirations with having a condition is still a work in progress too. I’m just thankful that I can even have the options of going back to school and working, as these things could very well not be possible in a different situation.

Students are getting prepared for standardized testing. They’re coming in with homework involving answering questions via multiple choice/answer/guess.

About a dozen kids have come up to me everyday to ask me to donate to a little girl with cancer. I’m unsure if this child goes to the school. Must investigate further. Must find clever way to choose which student I’ll donate to.

Discovered there is a furlough this Friday. I’m already taking Thursdays off because I have an appointment with the GI and Therapist. Meaning I have a 4 day weekend. Meaning my bank account is silently weeping.

Had awkward conversation with 5th graders about what their understanding of rape is. They get the gist of it at least.

Had to talk to a student’s parent (actually her older sister) about attitude issues. I always come out of talking with parents wishing I said something more.

It’s always a nice change of pace to leave SF for Arizona.
For one, I get to spend time with family and eat my mother’s cooking. I also get to dig out my warm weather clothes (tank tops, sun dresses, sandals, you know the cute shit.) and be able to wear them out here no problem. Plus, coming out to the suburbs is a good change in scenery for a while when living in the city full time . Exploring different malls, eating places, and ‘lo there is parking EVERYWHERE!

Even though I went to elementary and middle school in AZ, there was a point when I was 15 that I made the decision to claim the Bay as my True Home. If anything, Arizona has evolved into a place to recenter and refocus. I spent time here during to get my ulcerative colitis under control. Six whole months of just resting, getting treatment, trying to gain the weight I lost back. Now when I come back, it’s because I have time off from work (the kids have spring break right now so I get a week off too). I can easily just go off the grid for a while, especially since my mother has no cable or reliable source of Internet. If I didn’t have 3G on my phone, I’d be completely out of the loop. But I don’t mind. I get a lot of reading and writing done. I get a lot of sleep in. I get a lot of eating of nanay’s cooking in—enough to carry me till the next time I return.

I know this because I start craving food combinations that I otherwise wouldn’t think of.

Example, today I felt like just eating-all-the-things. I had:

1) thin mints
2) milk tea from Quickly
3) mocha frappacinno
3) pork rinds
4) kare kare
5) sisig
6) corned beef and cabbage

I basically ate the thin mints as a side to each meal. Since I didn’t go out, I treated myself to tea and frap. Usually these are big no-no’s since they have a tendency to hate my tummy. But I indulged today.

I’ve also been craving elote. I ate one when we were at the taco shop and I don’t know if it was just the drunk muchies but it was hella good. I might just have to make a trip to the mission and buy one. Or four.

First session with a therapist.

Let’s see how this goes.

Major topics discussed were: ulcerative colitis, stress garnered from said UC, anxieties caused by UC.

Funny how I had this session just when I’m feeling better. Pointed this out to the therapist. She said that it was common thing to happen.

Feeling hopeful.